Sometimes it hurts...

I never knew what it felt like to be depressed on a physical level, until tonight.

I don't know why, but for some reason, I had the urge to just crawl under my desk and hide from the world. It started around 2:30 this morning and hasn't quit yet.

Don't worry, I'm not suicidal or anything, just...not really feeling positive right now. I find myself wondering how my family would do without me...if they really needed me, if anyone really needs me. Its a very unusual feeling and I don't really like it. I mean, am I dragging them down? is it possible they would do better if I wasn't here? Not dead, just not around as much. As it is now, I spend 10 to 12 hours away from home, sleep very little and still manage to drive my wife crazy.

I don't know...

Right now, I feel like I'm stuck. Unable to pull myself out of whatever hole I fell in and I feel like Im dragging my wife and kids down with me. A self destructive hole thats filled with wet cement and is slowly drying around me and I cant pull myelf up to the surface for anything.

It bothers me because my kids and my wife are the reason I do what I do every day. Their the reason I wake up and breath in the first place. So...why do I feel like this?

I'm also noticing I'm losing interest in things, which I read was one of the warning signs of clinical depression.

I dont want to be depressed, I dont want to be on medication to alter my mood or control my emotions, because I hate medications of any kind.

*Sigh* Oh well...I should see a doctor, but the one we go to doesn't have an opening until May...and the last thing I want is to have my wife worry about me, shes already worried about my weight, lets not bring my brain into it.

Stupid brain...