Sometimes it hurts...

I never knew what it felt like to be depressed on a physical level, until tonight.

I don't know why, but for some reason, I had the urge to just crawl under my desk and hide from the world. It started around 2:30 this morning and hasn't quit yet.

Don't worry, I'm not suicidal or anything, just...not really feeling positive right now. I find myself wondering how my family would do without me...if they really needed me, if anyone really needs me. Its a very unusual feeling and I don't really like it. I mean, am I dragging them down? is it possible they would do better if I wasn't here? Not dead, just not around as much. As it is now, I spend 10 to 12 hours away from home, sleep very little and still manage to drive my wife crazy.

I don't know...

Right now, I feel like I'm stuck. Unable to pull myself out of whatever hole I fell in and I feel like Im dragging my wife and kids down with me. A self destructive hole thats filled with wet cement and is slowly drying around me and I cant pull myelf up to the surface for anything.

It bothers me because my kids and my wife are the reason I do what I do every day. Their the reason I wake up and breath in the first place. So...why do I feel like this?

I'm also noticing I'm losing interest in things, which I read was one of the warning signs of clinical depression.

I dont want to be depressed, I dont want to be on medication to alter my mood or control my emotions, because I hate medications of any kind.

*Sigh* Oh well...I should see a doctor, but the one we go to doesn't have an opening until May...and the last thing I want is to have my wife worry about me, shes already worried about my weight, lets not bring my brain into it.

Stupid brain...

A few things...

Ok, quick update on things here. Considering theres only really a few people who read this, Ill keep it simple.

1. WoW really is a great game. Since Ive started Ive deleted my old Hunter (Night Elf) for a Blood Elf hunter and I have to admit, I miss the Night Elf. To me, they make better hunters, but...my current character is my most played and I cant complain too much. Maybe Ill start a new hunter on another server one day, for now...my goal is to be Lvl 30 by Saturday. (Im at 27 now.)

2. Self Esteem sucks and is highly overreated.

3. I like Cake.

4. The Cake is a lie...

Im a sucker for a Night Elf...

Ok so after its been out for a couple of years, Im getting interested in World of Warcraft...

I know, late...who cares..its there. Its something different to play.

So, why now? Why not? Ive played all my current games, and WoW is different (to a point) every time you log on. Im playing a Night Elf Ive named Nikahl, hes a hunter and pretty much stays on his own for now...but... who knows...

If your in Firetree and you see Nikhal, say howdy and dont kill him...hes the new kid on the block.

I am at war

For most of my life, Ive been at war with myself. That war has many casualties, including myself. Today, I've come to the conclusion that the enemy is not only one of the toughest ever to be faced, but its also the most persistent.

The enemy is food. See...I'm sitting at just over 300 lbs and its really starting to bother me, both physically and mentally. I really want to be there for my kids and wife and what not, but...see..I can start with excuses but...I wont.

Truth be told, Ive tried asking for help on many occasions, but Im not as persistent as the enemy. Ive considered gastric bypass (Which worked for my wife very well but she would tell you it didnt) She looks great and on a daily basis I wonder why she sticks around with me.

To put a fine point on things, I really feel this isn't totally my fault, see...my mother is not the most healthy, and Ive never really learned how to be healthy in my eating. Besides, who doesn't want another piece of chocolate or cookie? it makes you feel better about life, right?

I'm 32, extremely overweight and starting to feel like I don't have much time left because of it. Working overnights its hard enough, its even tougher thinking how easily it would be for my heart to just say "Screw you, jackass, I'm outta here..." And no one would know it untill the next morning because I'm really the only one here at night.

Im scared that I wont be around for my kids. Theres no words that can describe how much I love them and how afraid it makes me to think that they could be fatherless because of my inability to control myself. My wife would just tell me to do some walking, but...I live in the country, on dirt roads with maniac's driving on them (See the post about Maverick). The nearest park is only a few miles away, but...its just grass with a concrete path surrounding it...sort of boring, ya know?

Its just another excuse, I know. If I really meant what Im saying then I should just get up off my arse and get a move on, so...I guess thats what Im going to have to do. With my wife in school most of the morning and me watching a 2 year old and 8 month old...I dunno, its just...difficult. Harder still that we don't have a way to walk both of them at the same time.

I'm not know for the strongest willpower or self confidence. I may put on a good front about confidence, but...truth is, Im a puss. Ask my wife. So...I have to fight this myself, really alone in my thinking and get over my own hindrances. The fact is, I NEED to...so, its what I have to do.

Nostalga....SIGH

You know, Nostalga is a funny thing...it hits you at odd times and makes you really reflect on things.

Were just a few days from the new year and I was thinking about my daughter, Rhema and how much shes changed this year.

2007 Started out with her just starting to walk and talk and now...shes basically a compleatly different kid.

Also, Arianna...how much different she is from Rhema and how much shes changing, almost 8 months old and she gets more beautiful every day. Its bizzar to me that I have kids, 2 of them and I really want one more.

My wife and I also celebrated our 11th wedding anniversery on the 27th and thats another thing that makes me feel old...lol, I never in a million years thought I would get married, much less it last for this long.

Freaky...

Anyway, since it is almost 2008 I wanted to wish anyone reading this a happy new year, and if '08 is anything like this last one, then were in for a crazy and fun ride.

:)

Death of a friend

On sunday, I lost a very good friend.

His name is Maverick, he was a 2 year old Lab/Shepard mix and he was a very devoted family member. He loved Rhema and Arianna, was very careful around them for being so big and clumsy and loved a good wrestle on the floor.

I dont tend to be an overly emotional person, but his loss seems to have effected me quite a bit.

He was struck by a car and killed instantly, I doubt he felt any pain. It was one of his loves in life, chasing cars, which, on our dirtroad is dangerous, considering how fast everyone drives. Its a dirt road and people are regularly driving like deamons past our house including semi trucks and county vehicles.

Anyway...hes gone and sorly missed. The house feels empty without Maverick laying around on the floor and welcoming me when I get home from work.

Maverick, we love you buddy, and I know I missed you.

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Listening to: The Crystal Method - Vapor Trail
via FoxyTunes

Does this attitude make me look fat?

Ever get the feeling that your meant for more? Daily I feel like I'm not living up to my potential or being responsible enough for my family. Its like I'mholding my self back from...something. I haven't figured out what yet.

Maybe its me, maybe I am holding myself back, I mean, I have all these ideas that I want to get out, starting my own business, building things, being a normal adult but...is that who I really am?

Meh, metaphysical bull crap (For lack of a better word).

Do you tend to over think yourself sometimes?? I think thats where I'm sitting right now, over thinking myself and giving myself too much credit. Im smart, I have alot of potential that I really need to focus on, but where is there time? Father, Husband, employee...

I tend to put my kids first, because they really are the most important thing in my life but am I hurting them because of my own limitations? Am I failing them because I don't like to be outside during the summer? Every day, when I get home, I have both of them and we usually stay inside, because its really hot outside, not because I don't want to go anywhere (Though that is part of it) As it is, I drive 45 minutes to work, then 45 min's back thats nearly 2 hours of driving every day, just to go to and from work, would you want to hop back in the car for a jaunt to somewhere? After all, we live 20 minutes from the nearest major grocery store...10 minutes from town...were country folk.

I digress...really this isn't what I wanted to discuss, but...its really pressing on me, Im beginning to feel like I don't try hard enough, and even if I did, it would be futile.

Ah well, back to work, maybe I'm just being a pessimist.

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Listening to: Stabbing Westward - The Thing I Hate
via FoxyTunes