I am at war

For most of my life, Ive been at war with myself. That war has many casualties, including myself. Today, I've come to the conclusion that the enemy is not only one of the toughest ever to be faced, but its also the most persistent.

The enemy is food. See...I'm sitting at just over 300 lbs and its really starting to bother me, both physically and mentally. I really want to be there for my kids and wife and what not, but...see..I can start with excuses but...I wont.

Truth be told, Ive tried asking for help on many occasions, but Im not as persistent as the enemy. Ive considered gastric bypass (Which worked for my wife very well but she would tell you it didnt) She looks great and on a daily basis I wonder why she sticks around with me.

To put a fine point on things, I really feel this isn't totally my fault, see...my mother is not the most healthy, and Ive never really learned how to be healthy in my eating. Besides, who doesn't want another piece of chocolate or cookie? it makes you feel better about life, right?

I'm 32, extremely overweight and starting to feel like I don't have much time left because of it. Working overnights its hard enough, its even tougher thinking how easily it would be for my heart to just say "Screw you, jackass, I'm outta here..." And no one would know it untill the next morning because I'm really the only one here at night.

Im scared that I wont be around for my kids. Theres no words that can describe how much I love them and how afraid it makes me to think that they could be fatherless because of my inability to control myself. My wife would just tell me to do some walking, but...I live in the country, on dirt roads with maniac's driving on them (See the post about Maverick). The nearest park is only a few miles away, but...its just grass with a concrete path surrounding it...sort of boring, ya know?

Its just another excuse, I know. If I really meant what Im saying then I should just get up off my arse and get a move on, so...I guess thats what Im going to have to do. With my wife in school most of the morning and me watching a 2 year old and 8 month old...I dunno, its just...difficult. Harder still that we don't have a way to walk both of them at the same time.

I'm not know for the strongest willpower or self confidence. I may put on a good front about confidence, but...truth is, Im a puss. Ask my wife. So...I have to fight this myself, really alone in my thinking and get over my own hindrances. The fact is, I NEED to...so, its what I have to do.